


Only if you deserve it

by avacadoo



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Cliffhangers, Depressed Lance (Voltron), Depression, Emotional Hurt, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Lance (Voltron) Needs a Hug, Langst, Physical Abuse, Sad Lance (Voltron), Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Starvation, The team is a tiny bit ooc, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:42:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22054258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avacadoo/pseuds/avacadoo
Summary: Lance deals with his depression in an unhealthy way.
Relationships: Allura & Lance (Voltron), Coran & Lance (Voltron), Hunk & Lance (Voltron), Keith & Lance (Voltron), Lance & Pidge | Katie Holt, Lance & Shiro (Voltron)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 198





	Only if you deserve it

**Author's Note:**

> This made me super sad :( Also I made this on my phone so I have a shit ton of grammatical errors, sorry about that! Please if you have any constructive criticism please put it in the comments! Really appreciate it.

Lance stared at the clock on the wall behind them, eyeing it carefully as if the time would change if he looked at it long enough. All he needed to do was wait 20 more minutes. 20 minutes and he could leave with some stupid excuse, 20 minutes and he wouldn't have to endure this anymore. 20 minutes and he wouldn't have to hear everyone talk, he wouldn't have to try to hold in the urge to run to the bathroom and throw up everything in him.

This is the time he hated the most. The time where he had to pretend to act interested in the food, interested in whatever the hell they were talking about now.

He picked at his food goo half-heartedly, not eating any knowing he would just end up bent over the toilet dry heaving what little food he had inside his stomach. It came to him so normally now, since he had already been doing it for so long.

The team was all talking animatedly, discussing past stories from earth and sharing them with Allura and Coran. Pidge had begun to tell her own story, and Lance began to tune in to hear whatever she had to share.

"I remember this time where my dad took me to the park, and he went on the swings with me and Matt..."

Lance's eyes burned at that. He didn't even have to hear Pidge's entire story before running to his room, slamming the door shut behind him and locking it. Fuck waiting 20 minutes, he wasn't staying there for more than another second. Without a moment's hesitation, he ran to the bathroom and threw up what little he had ate in the toilet. He felt better the minute he did it, and the only thing that was on his mind was what his dad would think of him if he could see him now, if he could see how pathetic and pitiful Lance was. That was the only thing that plagued his mind ever since he was a kid. Eat only if you deserve it. Make your dad happy. Don't be a dissapointment. Dad will be proud of you if you just endure for today. 

He wiped his mouth weakly and sat down on the floor, too tired and exhausted to bother moving to his bed. The cold tile floor felt like ice on his heated flesh, so it wasn't that hard for him to start daydreaming and enter his mind.

He thought about his father, how he told him didn't deserve to eat if he wasn't behaving.

"¡Cállate! No mereces comer hoy, pequeño mocoso!" His father would say to him, after he beat him up, coloring his skin black and blue. His mother wouldn't do anything, just watch idly but tell his dad to stop only in fear that the neighbours would notice his bruises. She didn't do it because she was worried for her son's health and well-being, she did it because she was worried that they would get in trouble if anyone noticed what abuse he was going through.

He used to think his father was wrong, but as he grew up he connected with his father's rules more and more. Only eat of you deserve it. Shut your mouth and don't be dramatic if you don't get food one day. All you need to do is listen. 

Lance closed his eyes and thought about what life would be like if he could just start over again, if he could just be given one more shot at life. If only he could be given a new family, a new life, a new name, he was sure he wouldn't be suffering as much as he is right now. Sometimes he wonders what would happen if he was to die. What if one day he just wasn't able to fight the galra ships off? Would his family care? Or would they just throw away the letter of his passing and think of what a dissapointment there son had been when he was alive? And what about the team? He doesn't even have to think of that question. They would think of how much of a relief it was to get rid of the dead weight they called the blue lion paladin, and they would find a better, stronger, more useful paladin in his place. It's an obvious solution. Not only would it make everyone else happy if he died, it would make him feel better. The most useful thing Lance could do would finally be accomplished, leaving everyone once an for all. 

Lance opened his eyes and got up from the floor, hand raised towards the ceiling, tears budding in his eyes. He washed his face to get rid of the tear streaks on his cheeks and dried himself off. He then realized how thirsty he was, turning the sink on so he could get some water, but then remembered Coran saying something about how he was only supposed to drink water from the purifier since the water from the sink wasn't good for them to drink due to their weak immune systems.

He headed to the kitchen, gripping onto the walls of the hallways to balance himself. He hasn't ate anything other than a couple bites of food goo for about a week and a half. He didn't feel hungry, but his stomach felt empty and he had the urge to throw up and dry heave every ten minutes. He felt so weak and so powerless, he could barely walk down the hall without having the urge to just lay down and go to sleep.

As soon as he walked into the kitchen area, he was greeted with the site of everyone watching a movie on the couch together, laughing hysterically at whatever alien space comedy was on the screen. They seemed to really enjoy the movie, despite Lance not being there with them. They had blankets and pillows out, and Hunk had even made his signature "butter popcorn" with replacement ingredients that he had found on the previous planet they had been on. All of them just looked so lively, so incredibly happy. Lance walked over to them, waving at Hunk, who he thought was supposed to be his best friend, the one person that actually cared about him on the ship. Hunks eyes widened almost comically when he saw Lance in front of him. 

"Sorry man, you looked kind of sick so we didn't want to bother you." Hunk said apologetically, scratching at the back of his head. Lance wasn't fooled by his obvious lie, but he still went along with it. 

Lance smiled softly, but the negative thoughts started to run around his head. If they knew he wasn't feeling well, why didn't they check up on him? He knew the answer to that already, actually. It's because they couldn't care less about what happened to him. 

"It's alright man. Really." Lance assured, giving Hunk one of signature grins, which helped ease Hunks guilt.

"Besides, we wouldn't want you annoying us during the movie. You're always bothering us 24/7, sometimes we just need a break from you." Pidge deadpanned, continuing to watch the movie, chuckling despite the insult she just threw at Lance, her own teammate, her supposed friend.

"Pidge." Shiro reprimanded sternly, but there was a hint of a smile on his face.

Lance's smile faded at that. He thought Shiro was supposed be the older, responsible figure, not the one who laughs along at depreciating jokes about Lance. He used to look up to Shiro, he uses to think of him as a hero. But not anymore. Now it seems that all Shiro does with Lance is reprimand him, and tell him to do better. Tell him to be more like Keith. Lance wasn't surprised though, Keith was Shiro's prodigy, he excelled in pretty much everything. He was better at Lance in every single aspect. Lance couldn't compare. Lance glanced up at Coran and Allura so see if they were smiling, which to his dissapointment, they were. Coran was covering his mouth but it was obvious that he was grinning. And Allura, who he had admired so much, wasn't even attempting to cover her giggles.

In fact, everyone seemed to be laughing at him now. Everyone had a smile on their faces. Even Hunk, who he thought was his his best friend, was trying his best not to burst out giggling at her joke. Even Keith, who he thought would be the one to defend Lance, was chuckling lowly at her joke. Everyone was agreeing with Pidge, thinking of what a nuisance and bother Lance is to them. Thinking of how much better Voltron would be he if he got his worthless ass kicked off of the team. Sure they didn't say it, but Lance could tell from their faces. He knew what they were thinking. He always knew. 

Lance suddenly felt so hot, so dizzy, so wrong. His throat had tightened on him, squeezing so hard that Lance could barely breathe. Suddenly he couldn't breathe at all, and he was gasping for just the tiniest bit of air to enter his burning lungs. Everything was too intense, too much for him to handle. He staggered out of the kitchen and into the hallway his sweaty hands gripping at the wall to balance himself. He could feel tears burning up in his eyes, rolling down his cheeks like acid burning down his skin. He struggled to see the path ahead of him, his vision was just too blurry for him to do anything but shakily walk blindly, in hopes he would reach his destination. 

He didn't even make it to his room doorway before falling to the floor with a crash.

**Author's Note:**

> Should I make a second chapter from the teams perspective? Just wondering 🤔  
> (Also for those of you wondering the translation for the Spanish is "Shut up! You don't deserve to eat you little brat." )


End file.
